I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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