Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
