Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
