My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I am one with the molecules
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
