Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
