Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
