It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just took my morning after pill in the library
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
