so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
