i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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