if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
