ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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