and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
