I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
