Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
