Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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