he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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