It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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