i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
