***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
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There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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