Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have a little drunk in my system
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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