Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
