is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.