i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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