after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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