my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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