Jerry, you need to find god
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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