Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
