ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
