Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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