I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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