Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
