i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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