if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
