May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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