I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
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I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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