She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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