I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
