not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
