I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
