she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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