i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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