Michael Bay diarrhea
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
