I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
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ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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