Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
