I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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