I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
