I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
