Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
