Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
