Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
