can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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