i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
