dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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