turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
