I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
