Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
