Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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